Pain

As I lay in bed, my mind repeats what happened earlier this evening. Even though it's been hours, I vividly remember it.
"Sarah, give Ashley thirty dollars," Mom instructed my oldest sister.
"Why?" Sarah questioned.
"To pay the phone bill," Mom said in a "dur" tone.
"Ashley pays the phone bill. I pay the water bill." Sarah thinks she owns the world.
"I only pay half the phone bill," Ashley said.
"You pay thirty dollars a month. I decide where it goes." Mom was beginning to get upset.
I laid on the floor, keeping my mouth shut because I was only fifteen and couldn't have a job so I had nothing to do with the bills. I knew where this was going and I didn't want to hear it. I couldn't walk out of the room because then they would know how much this topic upset me.
"I don't care about the phone. We need the water turned on so that I can have my graduation part before next year's graduation." Sarah seemed so shallow. She had just graduated and turned eighteen.
"If you don't pay the thirty dollars then I can't declare bankruptcy this month." I didn't understand but I didn't interrupt because I didn't want to get yelled at. "Without the phone, Ashley and I will lose our jobs." Mom stood up and grabbed her dinner plate. "I'm going to bed." Mom sounded like she was going to cry. She stalked out of the room.
Sarah turned to Ashley. "You can get thirty dollars out of the jar in my room."
I was about to get up and go to bed when I heard Mom's footsteps coming back to the living room.
"Whenever I don't declare bankruptcy we lose seventy-five dollars." Mom stood in the doorway to the dining room.
"Will the bankruptcy clear out the water bill?" Sarah asked.
"Yes." Mom started to leave.
"How much will it be to turn it back on?" Sarah yelled after her.
"Thirty dollars."
"Could you be any more dramatic?" Sarah muttered.
"Could you?" Ashley asked.
"Yeah. Really." I said.
Sarah shot me a dirty look.
Ashley imitates Sarah. "I'd rather pay the five hundred water bill then thirty dollars for the phone."
I picked up the dinner dishes and took them to the kitchen. When I was back in the living room, I said goodnight and went upstairs.
I lay in bed thinking about how this is all Dad's fault and how much I hate him for it. If he hadn't left, leaving us hash debts, he'd be off the morrage and the bank wouldn't want his new house. Then he wouldn't have sued us for the house. Also if he paid child support for the past four years we would have a little, make that a lot, more money. In back child support he owes us over forty-one thousand dollars.
I lay facing away from my desk where a binder is hidden. Inside that binder is razor blades, a knife, scissors, a screwdriver, and any other sharp object I have picked up. I'm trying to stop cutting myself but I can't bring myself to let these objects go.
I try to keep my mind off the way my life has been. After a while of listening to music from my elementary school days, I flick on the light. Then I go over to my desk and reach behind it, grabbing the pink binder.
The next thing I know is I have two fairly short cuts across the back of my hand, a deep cut down the palm of my hand, and another across my foot, all of which are bleeding. I've never cut my foot before. The cuts on my hands I can keep hidden under arm socks. I never wear socks so I'd have to explain why I'm wearing socks or why there is a cut across my.
I turn out the light, hoping to fall asleep soon. The sooner I fall asleep, the sooner I'll wake and can play on the Internet escaping my true life.

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It feels like tomorrow will never come. I've made plans with one of my really good friends. Not that I have very many. They are all really good friends. Samantha and I decided to hang out tomorrow. Mainly we are going in search of really hot guy that I've seen around town and I want Sam to see.
He definitely looks Irish, with his pale skin, many freckles, and reddish-brown hair. I found out his name was Tom because he applied at the same place that Ashley and Mom work at. Ashley thinks he's hot and if he gets that job Ashley would spend lots of time with him.
When I first saw him, I was driving around town with some friends. I stuck my head out the window and yelled, "You're hot!" while we were at a stoplight.
He looks about sixteen or seventeen so he's probably going to be a junior or senior. He may even go to the high school next year. But there's the off chance that he'll go to the Career Center, which is where Ashley goes to school. Even if he does, chances are slim that he'll have any classes with her.
The more I think about it, the more it seems that Ashley with get the guy I like, once again. You don't know if he'll like Ashley. You don't even know if you'll like him. He may be a jerk, a small voice inside me said. I know the voice is right but I don't want to believe it. Ashley always gets the guy. Nichole, quit torturing yourself, I tell myself.
I decide to watch Ashley play Sonic the Hedgehog on our Sega. She keeps running into the mutant things and then scrambling to get her rings back.
"You're doing horrible," I tell her. She doesn't even acknowledge me. She's caught between two bouncers things. Ashley keeps staring at the television.
"Mesmerized by it?" I ask.
"Looks like fun," She says still looking at the game.
"It's making me dizzy." As I watch it I feel my stomach start to get upset and my vision going blurry. I grab the book I am currently reading off the floor. Hopefully if I read it'll take my mind off of Tom.